...better....

i remember when 

the phone couldn't wait to ring

the breathe was excited to hear me

i remember when it was new

the day the blood burned

the day my heart awoke. 

it was because of you

that i learned to hope

that i learned to forgive 

that i learned to breathe

that i learned to love

it was because of you i am better.

broken pieces scattered

but i'm better for that too. 

breathing again with you

hoping again with you. 

forgiving again with you. 

loving again with....

i remember the days when it was new....

when you needed me 

and i need you. 

...what does it sound like?...

...what does it sound like, a broken heart?
is it loud and cacophonous..
or silent and less sonorous?
it could be the sound of shattering,
or simply the nothing of mattering.

...what does it sound like, a tear falling ?
is it like a thunder storm pelting...
or silent like the winter melting?
it could be loud and agonizing,
or simply resigned wizening.

...sometimes....

...sometimes i think things will never change and that you'll never come. but then i remember that god knows precisely what he's doing....

...time...

...i hear that time heals all wounds. that in time, what i feel will go away, that the gaping hole in my heart you left when you left will close...but no. as time has passed, the hole remains and what i feel still feels the same. the time has taught me to not talk about it. but in my heart and in my mind...nothing has changed, time has simply passed...

...i think about you...

...i think about you always. you have never left the sacred place you hold. i just don't talk about it anymore to people...

...through your eyes...

...through your eyes, the world was better. it was brighter, funnier, far more of a place of wonder than I ever knew. you changed my eyes to see like you. because of you, i see the world better. i know myself more, i can make things better for people around me. because of seeing the world through your eyes....

...through your eyes, love was grander. it was deeper, more adventurous, and a place of more thrill than the most extreme activity. it was more than i ever knew, because of you, i loved more fully, i learned to forgive more deeply, and fly to places of emotion i never knew existed. because of seeing love through your eyes....

...through your eyes, hope never ceased. forgiveness was always present. the promise of 'i'll be right here and all will be well' was always sure. trust became real again, i knew i wasn't alone. because of you, picking up the phone wasn't a chore, but a delight. simple words became secret language, laughter made distance seem like you were beside me. surety. trust. i knew you were there. and all was well, through your eyes....

...through your eyes....how i miss your eyes...how i miss seeing the world in your eyes. how i miss loving so fervently through your eyes...i miss it all...i miss your eyes....

...always....

...one word. so small. means so much. it will be always...always in my heart...always love...always you...always....

 

...hold me...

...if you were here would you hold me? would you let me cry away the stress of the last few days? i just want you to hold me tonight because today i'm finding it hard to be me...

....irreplaceable...

....irreplaceable...no one will ever be you, no one will ever move me the way you do, no one will ever be you...after all this time...i still wish i could have you in my life....it's not the same without you....

...just one more...

...the other day i caught myself thinking, 'if i could just see/talk/hold you one more time...then i realized that no, that's not enough. one more time...isn't enough. i'd wish for more always...maybe i'm greedy, but i do wish for more than just one more time...

...silence....

rage.
yell.
scream.
holler.
do anything.
just don't leave me nothing.

malice.
anger.
wrath.
fire.
anything at all.
but do not ignore me.

malign.
deride.
tear apart.
hurt me even.
just do not pretend I do not exist.


when you leave me with silence
it feels like
i do not exist to you.
when you leave me with silence
....i might as well be dead.

Don't leave me here...cold, alone....
int he silence....

rage at me.
just don't leave me with the silence.

...i will hold you tight in my dreams...

"...friendship overflowing but to me you cannot be replaced....i will hold you tight in my dreams, though you're gone you're not as distant as it seems..."

...you're everywhere...

...every character in TV Shows i love, every super hero carries shades of you, every book i read, every flicker of beauty i encounter, moment of joy, happiness or brightness in my life....i see you. my heart feels your heart in it. you're everywhere...i cannot escape you, even after all this and all this time..you're everywhere...

...when i miss you most...

...at the end of a busy day filled with family...when there's been events going on...when my heart hurts for my loved ones around me & I carry the burden alone...when i close the doors to my bedroom and carry my heavy heart to bed...alone...

...i miss you then...and wish you were here...

...irreplaceable....

...you told me that i was irreplaceable...turns out you replaced me faster than anything. maybe you lied...

...don't look me in the eye...

...no longer can i look any human being in the eye. i've been broken down so low, stripped...bare...empty...don't look me in the eye, for you'll see a scared and shivering little girl...

...paper flowers...

....not in a million years...

...not if all the world crashed around us...

...never would I...

...have left you cold & speechless...

...not one harsh word...

...no matter how angry...

...not ever would I...

...have ever flitted away...

...and sought another kiss...

...my heart cracked under yours...

...your words left me alone...

...never would I have...

...hurt with words...

...used like a rag to toss...

...dreamed of ever harming...

...you know my heart....

...and left it alone to die...

...calculated & curt...

...never would I...

...have left your side...

...but all I got...

...all you gave...

...with hurtful words...

...hollow memories...

...broken pieces...

...and paper flowers....

...what my broken heart screams...

when you let others stay, you kicked me out
why couldn't you let me stay?
did you love me not at all?
was i not enough to keep?
you dismantled, left for dead a heart...
was i not worth the time to repair?
why was the love i gave...
everything i had not enough?
slighted, diminished and dusted off...
that's what my heart's blood was to you?
why couldn't you try?
when i invested every breath and drop...
you used it, broke it, ran away.
why did you run?
why the wall?
am i so belittled to be cut off so completely?
is that what i'm worth to you?
blocked, treated like i don't exist...
just some girl you don't know...
insulted, mocked and shot while down...
do you even know?
can you possibly imagine how diminished...
all of me?
was i not enough?
why did you not even try?
is your capacity only to hurt and run?
look me in the eye, tell me why.
this heart demands to know
why it wasn't enough...
when it was everything you asked and more.
my broken heart screams....
it screams for you.
in silence, with no answer.

...turns out...

turns out i love me enough
to turn away from the lies.
turns out i am strong enough
to leave less than what i deserve.
turns out i survive just fine
on my own.

turns out i am better
than you even knew.
turns out the anger in me
is consuming everything.
turns out i am strong enough
to dream of love that's real.

turns out you never
really treasured me.
turns out you consumed
love that could have saved you.
turns out you lost it all
when you turned me into a joke.

turns out you never
knew what you had til it was gone
turns out you turned
on me, made me a mockery.
turns out that wasn't fair
when i loved you so

turns out who i loved
left a scar
turns out who i loved
broke me
turns out who i loved
couldn't hold
turns out who i loved...
i loved.

turns out...
i'll never be the same
turns out
there are wounds
turns out
those wounds are worse
turns out
they're worse than any other wound
turns out
....
turns out....
i still love.
turns out....
i was right about that.
....
turns out....

...with you...

I want to soak in something beautiful

With you. 

Sink my toes down deep in the mud 

With you. 

Dream the wildest to last all night

With you. 

Move mountains in faith in Good

With you. 

I want to drink in life and hope.

With you. 

With you beside me.

Let's conquer this life

With you beside me

Let's go for a ride

With you beside me

For all of my life

With you. 

...i miss that place...

My feet miss that place

Where it was steady beneath me. 

My hands miss your face 

Where Hope rested in your eyes. 

Me. I miss you. 

...30 pieces of silver...

...betrayer....
...did it taste good, the kiss you traded?....
...for my heart....
...did it cost more than 30 pieces of silver...
...was it what you wanted, were you just bored?...
...you said you loved me and left me in a field of blood....
...accused me of all you'd done...
...raged until you couldn't see straight...
...and then the truth washed over me....
...a kiss and 30 pieces of silver....
...Judas, it wasn't me -- it was you...
...you are my betrayer....

...i want to steal you....

i want to steal you
right out of the mundane
take you to paris, greece,
germany and spain.

i want to steal you
take some extraordinary
adventure in thailand,
exotic...like new dehli.

i want to steal you
- watch you grow
in far off places
like maybe monaco.

i want to steal you
away, let you shine
walk by the thames,
the danube and rhine.

i want to steal you
find a place for you and me
to explore and create
-- a place where we can dream.

...missing you...

...i miss you...
...your kindness soothes the harshness that ravages...
...your gentleness eases the brutality of the world...
...when no one else is sweet, you stand and whisper aching beauty...
...the further you move away from me, the closer you are to my heart...
...in darkness, i remember your light...
...your laughter like peeling bells of hope...
...moving something deeper in me than I knew how to find...
...shaking the earth beneath my feet with a look, a touch...a word....
...memories of you are more than wisps, they are statues of unshakable stone...
...what no one understood, we have love...
...what no one can really see, we are free...
...what i wish you'd bring back...
...and i miss you...

...like she'd swallowed broken glass...

...sometimes she missed him so much it felt like she'd swallowed broken glass....

...open heart, open eyes....

...my heart is open, looking around not down or in. endings, beginnings are all wrapped up into one....my eyes and heart are wide open...